Happy birthday, Anna Marie Hett Shay. I miss you.

Happy birthday to my mom, Anna Marie Hett Shay, who would have been 91 today. Unfortunately, she died from ovarian cancer at 59 in 1986, a year after my son Kevin was born and seven years before our daughter, Anne Marie Shay, was born. In photo, it's just me and mom at our house at 1280 Worchester St. in Aurora, Colo., circa 1952. This is the only photo I have of just the two of us just hanging out. Soon, I would be joined by my brother Dan and then a succession of siblings, as was the Irish-Catholic custom back then.

Happy Mama Conference in N.C. for mothers of kids with real, but invisible, brain-based disabilities

This sounds like a fabulous retreat for mothers (and possibly fathers) of kids with ADHD, OCD, SPD, and so on. From the "Easy to Love but Hard to Raise" blog that I write for occasionally:

The Happy Mama Conference & Retreat will take place July 28–29, 2012, at the Rock Barn Golf & Spa, in Conover, North Carolina. Here’s what the retreat is all about, as described on the Happy Mama website, www.if-mama-aint-happy.com :

What: A CONFERENCE that focuses on your needs as the mom to a child with a very real, but invisible, brain-based disability, like ADHD, ADD, OCD, ODD, FASD, PBD, SPD, PDD, or one of the many other overlapping conditions that make parenting your child an extra challenging situation, and a RETREAT, where we’ll provide you with wonderful food, spa opportunities, fun activities, and camaraderie with other moms who know exactly where you’re coming from.

Why: Because parenting children with invisible disabilities is an extremely stressful, isolating, and emotional job and one which can impact your health and well-being in a negative way.

The retreat, hosted by DRT Press (publisher of Easy to Love but Hard to Raise) and the website {a mom’s view of ADHD} (founded and edited by Penny Williams) and supported by a growing list of sponsors, including CHADD and the Catawba Valley Medical Center, will offer the perfect blend of education, support, and pampering.

Saturday’s speakers will cover: “Parenthood, Stress, Health, and Resiliency,” “Advocating for Your Child in School,” and “How to Be Happy: Calming Techniques for You and Your Child.”Sunday will be devoted to fun and pampering, which may include spa treatments, relaxing by the pool, gem mining, hiking, yoga, horseback riding, or kayaking.

Doesn’t that sound fabulous? I can hardly wait!

Sharon Barbary Bryan registered for the conference, but has since found out that she’s unable to attend. Sharon is donating her conference registration and on-site lodging, approximately a $350 value, to a deserving mom! The retreat organizers are running a contest to determine what lucky mama will be the recipient of Sharon’s generous gift. Here’s how it works: Follow this link. Nominate a special needs mama whom you feel deserves to attend the retreat, by writing a sentence or two in the comments field (of that post, not this one!) explaining why she needs a break. The contest will run June 1 – June 22.

If you are interested in attending whether you win this contest or not, please don’t hesitate to register now. Registration is just $129 until July 1. If you are “in the business” of ADHD, FASD, ASD, or other brain-based disorders and wish to become a retreat sponsor, email happymamaretreat@gmail.com

for their sponsorship package

Easy to Love but Hard to Raise: "You are not alone"

One of my essays, "The Great Third Grade AIDS Scare," is in this anthology. The overall message of the book and the blog and all of its writers is "You are not alone," even though it sometimes feels like it. All kinds of compelling posts on the blog about medications, education, outreach, relationships, resources, etc. To connect, go to the blog at http://www.easytolovebut.com/

How one small event can put things in perspective

Yesterday I was reminded of life’s important moments.

Chris and I attended a christening at the First United Methodist Church. Katherine Margaret Cotton, infant daughter of our friends Don and Karen Cotton, was baptized by Rev. Trudy. It was a few family members and some friends. Lots of photos.

Much of the liturgy was about water and its healing powers. There was no full immersion, or even a partial one. Much different from the Catholic ceremonies I’d witnessed, the ones we held for our two children. Just a touch of water and a few words on Saturday and the baptism was complete. All of us in the pews pledged that we would be there to look after Katie. And we will.

She was born in Cheyenne two months prematurely. Rushed to Denver Children’s Hospital via ambulance, her father at her side. Joined by mom two days later -- Chris and I ferried her to Children’s. It was less than a week before Christmas. I was frightened when I saw the tiny baby in the huge incubator. This three-pound girl was hooked up to an assortment of tubes and wires. But she was in good hands in a hospital ranked among the top five in the nation.

She and her parents were in Denver almost two months. Karen and Don stayed at the Ronald McDonald House (remember to donate next time you're at McD's). And now they’re all home.

Welcome home.

I’m sure that Karen will be sharing many photos in the coming weeks. She’s a writer and photographer, after all. And a proud mother.

My Mom was a Democrat even when she voted Republican

I wonder who my mother would vote for in 2012 if she were still alive.

It's Mother's Day today. I've spent 25 of them without my own mother, who died too young at 59.

She worked as a nurse her entire life. She sometimes took time off to have a kid, but then was back to work. She had so many kids (nine), that I wonder if she felt like those mythical women of old, who just delivered their newborns onto the fields and kept on harvesting while breast-feeding the baby and riding herd on the rest of her brood. Jimmy -- put down that rattlesnake! Janie -- keep hoeing those potatoes! 


My mother was made of sturdy stuff. We talked about many things, including politics. But I don't know whom she voted for. I know that she voted. But she kept it to herself. My father did, too, but I knew his politics from our many arguments and/or debates.

It wasn't as clear with my Mom. As both a nurse and a human being, she had deep reservoirs of empathy. Her nine kids turned to her for solace and advice. So did our friends and neighbors. I sometimes wonder if the cancer that killed her so quickly wasn't from a build-up of ingested sorrow.

She had no tolerance for cruelty. Some teasing was inevitable in a large household. But Mom drew the line when teasing wandered over the line into cruelty. She didn't like it in her home or out in the world. She devoted her life to the alleviation of suffering. She suffered along the way, but rarely spoke about her own travails.

No political party has a corner on kindness or cruelty. They are public beasts, focused on accumulating power. They nurture and encourage some, steamroll others.

But the current crop of Republicans possess a rare brand of self-centered cruelty. They seem to have no qualms about enriching the rich and engendering their selfish needs. They also go out of their way to target the powerless, the elderly, women, and "The Other," which includes people of color and non-Christians.

We now know the details of Republican priorities laid out in the Paul Ryan budget passed by the U.S. House. Permanent tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans and even further tax cuts down the road. Cuts to Medicaid, which serve the least among us. Privatizing Medicare for the retired. The end of Social Security. If Mom were alive, she would have turned 85 yesterday. Happy birthday, Mom! She would be receiving Social Security and using Medicare for the inevitable ailments of old age.

In Republican-majority states, we see attacks on unionized public sector workers. This is done in the name of "fiscal responsibility" but really is a war against working people. People like me. People like my mother. Many of these same people are Republicans who've been manipulated into siding with Repubs on social issues. Meanwhile, their taxes pay subsidies to businesses so send their jobs overseas.    

Empathy is a dirty word to these people. We've heard that over and over again from the talking heads at Fox, and from Tea Party types.

Empathy was not a dirty word to my mother. She lived her life by it.

Who would she vote for in 2012?

It's easier to list who she would not vote for. They all have an "R" after their names.

After the election, Democrats will make great pets

You learn lots of things while walking Cheyenne neighborhoods for your favorite Democratic Party candidates.

I did that on Saturday as I dropped off door hangers for Senate District 5 candidate Lori Millin and flyers for District Court Clerk candidate Wendy Soto.

About those door hangers… A steady northwest wind blew on Saturday. Cooled things off, and also made it difficult to hang a door hanger so it wouldn’t blow away. Forget all of the west- and –north-facing homes – about half of my assigned territory. It’s so easy to smack the top of the hanger against the door knob and watch it magically attach. There’s a technique that I’ve learned over the years. Grab the lower end of the hanger and BAP it on the tiny part of the knob. It’s all in the wrist. This also works on screen door knobs and fancier knobs that have the latch you work with your thumb.

But the wind calls for different methods. First, you can’t get a good wind-up as the wind snatches the hanger in mid-motion. If you then use old-fashioned manual attachment techniques, the raging wind will snag the hanger from its perch and send it to Nebraska. This leaves lots of wind litter. It’s also a waste of precious campaign dollars, especially this year when Democrats are holding bake sales and maxing out credit cards to get cash. It’s also unseemly to see Dems running down the street after skittering door hangers and flyers. I can just see those Republicans now, sitting on their verandas, sipping mint juleps, lighting cigars with 20-dollar bills, watching us run. “Those Democrats are so entertaining,” they might say. “After the election, they will make great pets."

Speaking of Republicans, I didn’t see a single Repub candidate out on the hustings. I kept my eyes and ears open as I slipped campaign material through screen doors or rolled it up to slip between door knob and door jamb. I saw no Repub material, either. A curious overnight with only a few weeks left to go. The Repubs must feel confident. Wyoming is a one-party state, after all, and never more so than this year when its Repub Gov candidate leads the Dem candidate by a huge 30-point margin.

Still, we persevere. On one street, I ran into the Democrats' Laramie County Clerk candidate Tim Thorson and his wife Elizabeth. Tim was placing another yard sign. Tim has been very aggressive in the sign department. He also has four billboards placed around the county. A hard-working Dem politician.

And not the only one. I also spotted Dem House District 8 candidate Ken McCauley knocking on townhouse doors along Lawrence Ave. He leaves flyers in doors when he gets no answer. When he does get an answer, he asks for a few minutes to talk about the issues. According to Ken, people get a bit cantankerous when they discover his party affiliation. They often change their mind after discovering Ken is a U.S. Air Force combat veteran and has solid ideas for the district. One 90-something voter (also a military veteran) spouted the Fox News repertoire of Death Panels and cutting big gubment and those damn commies and socialists. Ken said, “I’m a combat veteran and have been fighting socialists all my life.” The man changed his tune and shook Ken’s hand.

Now, a socialist commie pinko peacenik such as me might take umbrage at this. Let me take a short-time out for some umbrage.

Ah, that’s better.

How do you fight this sort of Tea Party crap, where people get into your face and spew a barrage of nonsense?

Shoot back. Humor’s good, too, but it’s often wasted on the brainwashed. Ken is a combat veteran and a Democrat and a smart guy with great ideas. Should he not make use of all of his credentials? I’ve voted for Democrats with impressive military combat credentials? Remember John Kerry? JFK? George McGovern? They were the best candidates for the job. JFK was elected, while Republicans Swift-boated Kerry and did something similar to McGovern back in 1972. Although the Dems basically sunk themselves during both of those elections. And who can forget Al Gore’s 2000 popular-vote victory over George W. Bush? The guy who served in the U.S. Army in Vietnam in a non-combat role vs. the Texas Air National Guard pilot who skipped maneuvers stateside?

I’ve also voted for many candidates who never served in the military. In fact, if I had voted the straight Wyoming Republican Party slate for U.S. House and U.S. Senate in 2008, I would have voted for three candidates who never served in the military. All three, however, support both of our ongoing wars and the continuing bloated defense budget.

And so it goes.

I encountered one gentleman who asked me point-blank if Lori Millin voted for Obama. I said that I supposed so as she was a Democrat. He then asked if she supported charter schools. I said that she supported education although I didn’t know about her position on charter schools. He then said that that was the problem with us doorhanging people, we didn’t know what our candidates stood for. He was a Republican and active in politics. I asked if he wanted me to retrieve the door hanger if he didn’t want to read it. He said he would read it. I asked if he voted the straight party line and he said he didn’t. I said that I was a Democrat and I didn’t support the straight party line which is very difficult to do in Wyoming anyway.

He then added that he had called Mike Massie’s office multiple times and hadn’t received a response. Mike is the Democratic Party candidate for Superintendent of Public Instruction. I said that that was very odd as Mike was big on returning calls and he’d spent lots of time talking about education all across the state. The man said, “I’d like to talk to him."

We left it at that. The best conversation I’ve had with a Republican in a long time. I got in my car and found Lori in an adjacent neighborhood. I told her about my talk and she got in her car and went over to talk to the man. She spoke to the man and his wife. They were big supporters of charter schools. Lori supports them as long as the rules are followed. Republicans insist on charter-school support from local school districts but don’t want to be bound by rules of the district or the Wyoming Department of Education. She sees that as a problem. Her kids attend Laramie County schools.

I also see this as a problem.

What I like is that Lori went to the man’s house to talk to him about his concerns. That’s not easy. It takes courage. You don’t have to be in the military to appreciate courage.

"The Disappeared" still haunt us

Nothing prepares you for the exhibition currently at the University of Wyoming Art Museum.

"The Disappeared/Los Desaparecidos" brings together the work of 26 living artists from Latin America who, over the course of the last 30 years, made art about those who have disappeared.

I viewed the exhibit last week when I was in Laramie for the UW Art Museum's public art symposium.

The largest of the works shows a Guatemalan flag made from the exhumed bones of those killed during the country's dirty wars, which really were Cold War proxy battles between the U.S. and Soviet Union. Many of Latin America's killer thugs were military men trained at the U.S. Army's School of the Americas at Fort Benning, Georgia. Not all, of course. Paramilitary bands roved Guatemala and Argentina and El Salvador and Uruguay. They operated with the sometimes explicit -- and always implicit -- consent of the ruling juntas.

One of the most depressing works of the exhibit shows couples who were disappeared. Their crimes? Subversive activities. Belonging to student activist groups. Consorting with suspicious characters. Complaining about the government. Some couples were married and some weren't. The women were pregnant and they and their babies still are missing. The legend under the pictures read: "Baby was born on or about April 5, 1979" or "Baby thought to be due in December 1977." The mother was bayoneted or thrown from a chopper or beat to death while pregnant. Or the baby was born but never seen again. Neither was the mother and -- oftentimes -- the father. These were young couples who looked a lot like couples I knew when I was in my twenties in the 1970s. They looked like pictures I have of my wife and I. Happy. Together. But we're alive and they aren't.

"Exhumations: Appearing the Disappeared - Uncovering Repressive Archives in the Recovery of Historical Memory in Latin America" will be the topic discussed by Kate Doyle at the next Art Talk hosted by the UW Art Museum. Her presentation is set for Monday, April 13, 7 p.m. Doyle is a Senior Analyst for the National Security Archive at George Washington University in Washington, D.C. Her talk will focus on uncovering the truth of military actions in Latin America during the mid-20th century, and the people who disappeared as a result.

Art Museum Director Susan Moldenhauer notes, "This talk comes at an historical moment in time, given the current news regarding the conviction of former Peruvian President Alberto Fujimori for crimes related to the death squads in that country." Doyle considers Fujimori’s conviction to be a landmark event. She states, "He is the first democratically elected president to be convicted of human rights crimes by his own country... in the world! Ever!"

The National Security Archive campaigns for the citizen’s right to know, investigates U.S. national security and foreign policy, and uses the Freedom of Information Act to obtain and publish declassified U.S. documents. Doyle directs several research projects on U.S. policy in Latin America for the Archive, including the Mexico Project, which aims to obtain the declassification of U.S. and Mexican government documents on the Mexican dirty war, and the Guatemala Project. Since 1992, she has worked with truth commissions in Latin America, including in El Salvador, Honduras, and Guatemala to obtain records from secret U.S. government archives in support of their human rights investigations.

Doyle’s public talk is in conjunction with the UW Art Museum’s current exhibition The Disappeared/Los Desaparecidos exhibit. Doyle will also be giving a Gallery Walk Through of the exhibition from 10:30 a.m. to noon on Monday, April 13 at the Art Museum.

FMI: UW Art Museum at (307) 766-6622 or visit www.uwyo.edu/artmuseum
or the museum’s blog, www.uwartmuseum.blogspot.com/.

The museum is open Monday from 10 a.m. to 9 p.m. and Tuesday through Saturday from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Admission is free.

Interesting to see that the exhibit originated with the North Dakota Museum of Art. N.D. poet Thomas McGrath would be proud.

Exhibit photo: Fernando Traverso from Rosario, Argentina, made a wall of silk "tombstones" emblazoned with the ghost image of a bicycle, one for each of his fellow resistance workers disappeared during those dark years of dictatorship. Why the bicycle? Because if someone went missing their abandoned bicycle served as early evidence of their fate. Entitled "In Memory, 2000-2001," the work consists of 29 silk banners, each 10 x 3.5 ft. with screened images of bicycles. Courtesy of the North Dakota Museum of Art.

A weekend with Monty Python

Yesterday we felt like watching movies, so went down to the Laramie County Public Library to scan the shelves. Movie-renting is a challenge for us. My wife Chris prefers comedies such as "Galaxy Quest" and "Just Visiting," as well as endless screenings of "The Sound of Music." We rarely agree, although we share a taste for old Woody Allen movies ("Annie Hall" and before). My teen daughter Annie goes for dramas that feature dysfunctional families and psychiatrists. Some of her favorites (for now) include "Running with Scissors," "Junebug" and "The Squid and the Whale."

My tastes are all over the map. I like quirky comedies, indies, old gumshoe films with Bogie and William Powell, musicals, and documentaries. The other day I was happy as a clam to catch "After the Thin Man" on TMC during my lunch hour. The cast includes Powell, Myrna Loy, James Stewart, and Ida Lupino. Stewart plays the smarmy bad guy, a murderer. Very cool.

Yesterday's library haul included "Monty Python and the Holy Grail, "Just Visiting," "Thirteen," "The Great Santini," and "Old School." Chris chose the first two; Annie the others. I couldn't decide on anything. That's how it is with me sometimes. I don't know what I want.

Chris and I had a great time watching "The Holy Grail" that night. I know that Monty Python movies and reruns of the TV show are now considered the province of smark-alecky college kids. But what's not to like about "the knights who say ni" and the killer rabbit? The word "shrubbery" never sounded so dang funny.

Meanwhile, Annie watched "The Great Santini" and "Thirteen" on the downstairs box, a 30-year-old TV encased in a heavy piece of furniture that I never want to move again. I had recommended "Santini" as a representative of the "dysfunctional family" school. Annie found it interesting, but a bit dated as it was set in the 1960s. "Thirteen" spoke to her as more contemporary, more twisted. It's a disturbing film, one that conjures up a contemporary parent's worst nightmares. I've seen it, and once was enough. We've been through that kind of torture already with one teenager and don't want another round. Cuts too close top the bone.

Bring on the knights who say ni!