On St. Patrick's Day weekend, I ponder the possibility of a Pope Howdy Doody I

As a kid, I bore a startling resemblance to TV's Howdy Doody.

Each St. Patrick’s Day, I ponder what it means to be an Irish-American. This year, as a new pope takes the reins of Mother Church, I’m also pondering about what it means to be Irish Catholic.

I just had a flashback. I get those occasionally. I wonder if it’s my damaged heart playing tricks on my brain.

Back in those black-and-white days of the 1950s, my younger brother Dan and I found ourselves in the same ward at Denver Mercy Hospital. We had double pneumonia, which is twice as troublesome as single pneumonia. It sound worse, too, doesn’t it? Our mother was a nurse at Mercy, a graduate of the hospital’s nurses’ training program at the tail end of World War II. 

The Mercy nuns were in charge. They wore full habits back then, which lent them an air of authority and mystery seasoned with a dollop of menace. They were neither the horror of the nuns portrayed in some books or plays written by lapsed Catholics. Nor were they the sweethearts portrayed in “Sister Act” or “The Sound of Music.” They were tough yet fair. They seemed to treat Dan and I a bit better than the others. This was probably due to our mother.

One day, Dan seemed to have a brainstorm. He waited until one of the nuns was in the ward, and he sat up and said, “I want to be a priest.”

The nun scurried over. “A priest, is it?” The Mercy nuns all spoke with an Irish brogue, yet another import from that benighted isle. 

“Yes, sister.” Dan beamed angelically. 

“That’s a good boy,” said the good sister, patting Dan on the arm. “And how would you like some ice cream, Daniel boy?”

“Thank you, sister.” More of the beaming. My brother had black hair and blue eyes, Black Irish like my mother. I had bright orange hair and was covered with freckles from head to toe. The kids at school called me Howdy Doody, who was a red-haired, freckle-faced TV puppet. He was an agreeable sort but dopey looking. I didn’t like him.

The nun returned with Dan’s ice cream. None for us. After all, we didn’t want to be priests. This was the highest calling a kid could attain. Parish priests ruled the Catholic roost. We know now that some of them were less than saintly. But back in those patriarchal days, they could do no wrong.

The next time a nun entered the room, Tommy piped up: “I want to be a priest.” The nun came over, patted Tommy on the head and said he was getting some ice cream too. So half of the kids in the ward now had ice cream and I had none. Before the fourth kid, the one in the bed by the wall, could speak up, I also said: “I want to be a priest.”

The nun walked over, put her hands on her hips sand said, “I suppose you want to be a priest so you can have some ice cream.”

“No sister.” I was no dummy, although I looked like one. “I had a dream. In it, I was a priest.” 

This got her attention.  “A dream?”

I nodded. “Yes sister.”

“And in this dream were you eating ice cream?”

“No sister. I was dressed like a priest and was saying mass.”

“You’re a fine lad, saying mass in a dream.  You almost could call that a vision.”

“Yes, sister.” 

She looked down at me. “We’re out of ice cream. I’ll get you a popsicle.” She frowned and walked out.

“Copycat,” said Dan.

“Not,” I said.

“Popsicle.” Tommy snickered. He bit into his ice cream bar.

I got a cherry popsicle. The nun broke it in two so the kid in the far bed could have some. 

As I ate the popsicle and stared at the two ice cream eaters, I vowed that next time I would be quicker on the draw and fake my priestly calling with much more alacrity than I had earlier. Perhaps I should be a bishop? Or pope? Too grandiose, perhaps. But imagine the world’s surprise when Howdy Doody the First donned the papal garments and those bitchin’ red shoes.

Sister Simone Campbell fires up the DNC crowd

DNC delegates will hear social justice speech from Sister Simone Campbell on Sept. 5

The Democratic Party has the wisdom to realize that activist nuns have a lot to teach its convention delegates. This news comes from NETWORK, a national Catholic social justice lobby.

NETWORK is pleased to confirm that Sister Simone Campbell has accepted an invitation to speak at the Democratic National Convention on the evening of Wednesday, September 5. This will provide an important opportunity to talk about what she has learned after decades of work for social and economic justice.

We also regret that no similar invitation was extended by the Republican National Convention and that, despite our efforts, NETWORK was unable to find a venue there for sharing information about economic justice rooted in Catholic Social Teaching. Sister Campbell would have been delighted to speak at the convention.

We are pleased that Cardinal Dolan will be present at both the Republican and Democratic conventions.

Note: In addition to her speech, Sister Simone Campbell (and NETWORK staff) will be facilitating two social justice workshops during the Democratic convention: “Mind the Gap” on Wednesday, Sept. 5 from 10 AM to noon (http://charlottein2012.com/events/mind_the_gap_) and “Nuns on the Bus” on Thursday, Sept. 6 from 10 AM to noon (http://charlottein2012.com/events/nuns_on_the_bus). She will also provide the keynote address at the Faith Caucus meeting of the College Democrats of America annual convention prior to the Democratic National Convention.

Give me some of that new-era science

After hearing about it on NPR's "Science Friday," I cast my vote of support for Science Debate 2008. Here's a short description of the project's goals:

Given the many urgent scientific and technological challenges facing America and the rest of the world, the increasing need for accurate scientific information in political decision making, and the vital role scientific innovation plays in spurring economic growth and competitiveness, we call for a public debate in which the U.S. presidential candidates share their views on the issues of The Environment, Health and Medicine, and Science and Technology Policy.

The web site features a long list of people who support the effort. It includes scientists, media people, politicians, and bloggers.

What's the likelihood of such a debate? Not bloody likely, as the Republican side has everything to lose and nothing to gain. A recent article in Reason Magazine revealed that all the Democratic candidates believe in evolution and most of the Republicans are on the side of the creationists and the so-called "Intelligent Design" curriculum. Reality-based vs. faith-based.

But hold on a minute. Reason also notes that all of the Democrats also believe in God, so they really fall into the category of "theistic evolutionists." In other words, Obama and Clinton and Edwards and Kucinich and all the candidates who've since dropped out believe that God plays a part in evolution.

That's the tack that the nuns and priests took at my Catholic school way back in the sixties. Evolution was a given, they said, but God's influence was in there somewhere. How much of a role did he/she/it play? After all, doesn't the Bible say that God created this whole mess in six days and rested on the seventh? My university-educated teachers all cautioned us not to take the Biblical account too literally. We should see it as a story, an illustration of the power of God the Creator. We should look at the term "day" as metaphorical. Who's to say what a day means to God? It could be a millisecond; it could be five billion years. This brings to mind the courtroom exchanged in "Inherit the Wind."

The contemporary Catholic Church has fallen into the clutches of its anti-abortion allies in the Religious Right. The Bible has crept back into everyday Catholic teachings, and that doesn't allow for any metaphors. Metaphors out, dogma in. Rigidity, too. That's why so many practicing Catholics have gone over to The Dark Side.

Let's have this 2008 science debate! Sing with me now. "Give me that new-era science, give me that new-era science...."

CAPTION: In the 17th century painting by Guido Reni (above), St. Michael (my namesake) is shown subduing science-loving Liberal Catholics, driving them out of Wyoming and into Denver, where they all become Democrats. This is metaphorical, of course.

Sister Francis explains it all to you

Our parents sent us to Catholic School, told us to obey the nuns. Of course, they also told us to obey the priests, to do what they tell us to do. Look how that turned out.

I wasn't subjected to the attentions of perv priests. We did have one in the ninth grade who really liked to spank us with his paddle. But he may have just been a sadist.

The nuns, on the other hand, were tough and principled, even empathetic at times. I never did know their political leanings. I attended Father Lopez High School in Daytona Beach, Florida, from 1965-69. It was the worst of times in the Vietnam War, but not a whisper of protest from any of the nuns. Only later, as an adult, did I meet nuns so dedicated to social justice that they risked arrest and prison. Some attended my church in Denver, the 10:30 Catholic Community.

But the nuns of my youth taught me well. I know the difference between right and wrong. I can see hypocrisy when it rears it ugly head. Obviously, there are other nuns continuing the "truth to power" tradition of progressive Catholicism. Witness this article in the Winston-Salem Journal :

A progressive group of U.S. nuns has called on Congress to impeach President Bush and Vice President Cheney because of their roles in the war in Iraq.

“The National Coalition of American Nuns is impelled by conscience to call you to act promptly to impeach President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney for ... high crimes and misdemeanors,” the group wrote in a letter written on behalf of its board members.

The letter says that impeachment is warranted for their “deceiving the public under the false pretense that Iraq possessed weapons of mass destruction” and “destroying” the reputation of the United States and the good will of other nations.

“The time for impeachment is now — before the example of George W. Bush’s regime is set in stone,” they wrote. “Future generations will thank you for preserving the freedom of our nation and its relation to the entire human community.”

The coalition was founded in 1969 for individual nuns dedicated to issues of social justice and human rights.

The letter was approved during a mid-August meeting of the board, held in Chicago. During that same meeting, the board unanimously adopted statements opposing all war and affirming peacemaking efforts. “Rather than continuing support of a just-war theory, a more compassionate church would oppose all war and teach peacemaking skills for all levels of government and interpersonal conflict resolution,” the statement reads.

Nun schools Pres. Bush on hypocrisy

Speaking at the National Catholic Prayer Breakfast on Thursday, Pres. Bush urged attendees to respect the ‘culture of life.’ "

Said Bush: "We must continue to work for a culture of life where the strong protect the weak and where we recognize in every human life the image of our creator."

Later, Bush and Sister Miriam Catherine Theresa Jean D'Arc (pictured) had a big laugh after the good sister smacked the president with a ruler for being such a freakin’ hypocrite.

"What about the 500,000 dead and maimed civilians in Iraq?"

WHACK!

"What about the 30,000 dead and maimed G.I.s you sent to that unjust war?"

SMACK!

"What about the poor of New Orleans, killed in Hurricane Katrina?"

SMACK!

"What about all the Death Row inmates you fried while Governor of Texas? Don’t you know the church opposes the death penalty?

WHACK! SMACK!

"What about the genocide you refuse to stop in Darfur?"

SMACK!

"What about...."

"I surrender, Sister. I’ll be a good boy from now on."

That really tickled the good sister's funny bone. She joined the prez in hearty laughter. Then smacked him once more for good measure.