Thursday, January 10, 2008

N.H. voters voted for... CHANGE!

I've kind of lost touch with Dave Barry and his very funny Miami Herald columns. Seems he was covering the recent New Hampshire primaries from a hotel room while eating Cheez-Its, or so he says. This column serves as an antidote to all the very serious N.H. post-mortems we've been getting for the past two days:

The voters of New Hampshire have made their decision, and the big winner is:
Change. Here's the final vote tally:
Change -- 43 percent
Hope -- 28 percent
Hope For Change -- 17 percent
Hair -- 9 percent
Experience -- 2 percent
Dennis Kucinich -- 1 percent

Now it's time for the politicians and the press to drop New Hampshire like an ant-covered corn dog and sprint for the airport, leaving the residents of The Granite State to spend the rest of the winter plucking 239 billion candidate signs out of their snowbanks, all the while wondering if there ever really was a candidate named ''Mike Gravel,'' or if that was just teenagers playing a sign-planting prank.

Mr. Barry also took a little time to dissect the Hillary Clinton "crying incident," also referred to as the "welling-of-the-tears incident." You decide the proper terminolgy:

Meanwhile there are many unanswered questions about the races in both parties. On the Democratic side: Is Barack Obama for real? Or is he, as sources inside the Hillary Clinton campaign have suggested, a hologram formed by laser beams? Is the nation truly ready for a hologram president? And speaking of Hillary Clinton: When her eyes appeared to well up with tears during a campaign appearance at a New Hampshire diner, was that real welling? Or did she fake the welling? If she did, in fact, well, do we know for certain that those were her own personal tears? Why was no sample made available to the media for testing?

Lest you think he just picks on Democrats:

Among the unanswered questions on the Republican side are: Is John McCain, at 117, too old and cranky to be president? Like, during the White House Easter Egg Roll, would he come outside in his bathrobe and yell, ''You kids get off my lawn!'' Does Mitt Romney contain any human DNA whatsoever? Does he, for example, burp? Can he emit bodily aromas? And is there any TV show that Mike Huckabee will NOT appear on? Are we going to see him one of these nights on Deal or No Deal?

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