Legends of the fall, as told by a guy upside-down in his garden

My fall yesterday caused no lasting damage to my poor body. Strange. From the street, it must have looked like a comedy routine. A spider web had attached itself to the rain gutter and it stretched all the way to the mailbox. I was sweeping it away with my left hand when I lost my footing, bounced off my concrete porch, and landed head first in my garden adjacent to a clump of bachelor buttons (a.k.a cornflowers). My head was in the dirt and my legs rested on the porch edge and stuck up a few feet in the air. I could not move. My wife Chris heard me and ran out and shrieked in surprise. I was glad she was there because I might have stayed that way all day. But the preacher from the local church was walking his dog and he came over to lend a hand. 

Chris called 9-1-1 and we heard the siren right away. My wife kept asking if I was OK and I replied that I was upside down in my garden and feeling a bit embarrassed. I took a quick inventory of my moving parts and nothing seemed broken. The ambulance arrived and two EMTs scampered over to me. “You OK?” asked the guy EMT. “Well, I’m upside down in my garden.” Later, my wife said she thought I had brain damage because I kept repeating the same thing. Was it not the most obvious way to describe the situation? The EMTs were a short skinny guy and a tiny woman. 

I was thinking how are these little people going to get me out of this fix? I am a 255-pound, 6-foot-2 guy. I saw a fire engine drive up but the EMTs waved it off which, at the time, seemed like a big mistake. Meanwhile, the preacher asked if he could say a prayer and I said yes, of course, because right now it looks like I was need some divine intervention. The two EMTs found a way to get on either side of my and pull. At first, I didn’t detect any movement but slowly they got me upright. My wife Chris brought over my walker and I grabbed it and pulled it close and stood tall. 

She grabbed my arm and asked, “You OK?”

I replied, “Well, I’m no longer upside down in my garden.” Some dirt stuck to my face and hair and there was a small scrape at my temple. My rescuers guided me to the front door and I glanced over at the mailbox and saw that the spider web was no longer there. That was something, at least.

Thought I would give ChatGPT an opportunity to write a story on the theme "old man falls off of porch." Here's the result:

One sunny afternoon, an elderly gentleman was enjoying the fresh air on the porch of his house. As he reached for a fallen leaf, he lost his balance and tumbled off the porch. Thankfully, his family rushed to his aid and called for medical assistance. After a brief visit to the hospital, he returned home with minor injuries but a newfound appreciation for safety measures around the house.

That's good as far as it goes. In my story, this old man was trying to clear a spider web off his mailbox. But a "fallen leaf" would have worked. I did not go to the hospital or as the EMT guy wrote in his laptop: "Patient refused treatment" He handed it to me: "Sign here." I do have a newfound appreciation for safety measures around the house. From now on, spiders may spin as many webs on my porch and get no interference from me. Also, when autumn arrives, I will not reach for any fallen leaves. That is very dangerous. 

I am now hooked. Will have ChatGPT write all my stories.