Saturday, April 25, 2009

Dear Democrats: Please rethink Cheney one-way bus ticket campaign

I have a bone to pick with my Democratic Party. It is raising money to buy Dick Cheney a one-way bus ticket back to Wyoming.

This must stop!

For one thing, we don't want him amongst us. He has proven to be a negative influence on the population of the U.S. and the planet. He also has undue influence in Wyoming. He's received at some of the best houses, in Jackson and elsewhere. When he addressed the Wyoming legislature a few years ago, he was cheered lustily by both houses, while the citizenry stood outside in the cold, unable to come into its "House of the People" to hear the assistant leader of the free world deliver his platitudes.

He could have a damaging effect on a state that is only now emerging from the 19th entury. Besides, he or his wife might run for office. If Dick Cheney were to elected governor, a huge wall would be built around the state, and all Wyomingites with liberal leanings would be thrown into re-education camps where Lynne Cheney would torture us by reading her super-patriotic children's books over and over and over again. Can you say "Ronald Reagan Is God?" I thought you could.

Second, your humorous travel map at is all wrong. The red dot at the end of the bus route is in the incorrect place. If the former Veep were to disembark at this spot, he would be in the windswept fringe of the Red Desert and not Jackson.

As you may know, Jackson is a village of quaint restaurants and a lively art scene. The views are spectacular. While some of its denizens are Democrats, Cheney's rich Republican pals would scoop him into their collective arms and whisk him to safety at his mountain redoubt.

The scenery around Jackson (Teton Lake)

If he gets off in the Red Desert, no telling what would happen. He could be ripped to shreds by packs of escaped Yellowstone wolves or shot by some vision-impaired hunter. He could perish of thirst while he waits for helicoper pickup.

Wyoming's Red Desert (note pack of wolves in background)

Wait just a doggone minute! That spot that you D.C. Dems marked on the map really is Jackson and not the Red Desert. I was mistaken. That's a great place to drop him off. I've never been good at geography.

But, as I said, this campaign has to stop. Yes, we're terminally a red state and the place where Cheney grew up and entered politics. But he was born in Nebraska. Send him there. Or what about Utah? Or Iraq? Families of dead Iraqis would stage a grand welcoming party at the Baghdad bus station that Cheney would not soon forget.

Or maybe he would.


Anonymous said...

As Keith Olbermann said, "it may be time for Mr. Cheney to leave this country." Our traditions and our ways of doing things obviously don't gell well with Cheney's style. So perhaps some other nation that can part with some helpless life forms would suit Cheney well. Happy travels!

jhwygirl said...

Utah's salt flats, sometime in mid-August, might be precisely the best place for the ole' chap.

He likes Blackhawks...I'm sure they're perfect for the ride.

Michael Shay said...

Ah, the Bonneville Salt Flats in August. An ideal place for a bus excursion.