Cow with 310 million tits? Not in Wyoming...

Stuff Alan Simpson Says is a new web site from http://www.boldprogressives.com/, a production of the Progressive Change Campaign Committee PAC. It’s a liberal group that supports a healthy Social Security system. To do that, the PAC is raising alarums by picking on Sen. Alan Simpson’s quaint Wyoming-bred phraseology.

Sen. Simpson has uttered no end of colorful quotes. You could probably fill a book. But he’s a moderate when compared with Republicans running for the House and Senate this year. He’s a moderate when stacked up against Wyoming Sen. John Barrasso and Wyoming Rep. Cynthia Lummis. He’s trying to bring attention to a huge issue, one that too easily gets swept under the rug.

The BoldProgressives site is very clever. On the home page, you get to take a quiz. Multiple choice, with only two choices. I easily guessed the cow with 310 million tits one. Here it is:

'I've made some plenty smart cracks about people on Social Security who milk it to the last degree. You know 'em too...We've reached a point now where it's like a milk cow with 310 million tits!'

As one web site commenter notes, cows have “teats” and not “tits.” But you have to excuse the senator on this one. Wyoming is not really a milk cow state, save for a few farms in the Star Valley. When we think of cows, we think of cattle. Longhorns and shorthorns on the trail, kicking up dust, guided by rugged cowboys. Sure, female cattle have teats. Cattle ranchers would know this. Simpson should know this. But the metaphorical part of his brain – and his loose tongue – got the best of him.

A cow with 310 million teats would be a sight to see. I have no doubt that downwinders in the West have seen mutant cows (a la “The Hills Have Eyes”). All that fallout from those Cold War nuke tests had an effect. Somewhere out in the remote stretches of Utah or Idaho or New Mexico, is a cow with more than the allotted number of teats. There are bloggers in those parts who have seen such a thing. Please immediately report sightings to the deficit commission.

Go take the quiz. See how many you can guess. Hint: Pick the most outrageous of the two choices and you’re in good shape.