Sunday, August 09, 2009

Ask the Wyoming Garden Answer Man

Dear Wyoming Garden Answer Man:

I have ants in my zucchini blossoms.

--Distressed in Cheyenne

Dear Distressed:

And I have flies in my eyes, but you don't hear me complaining. Seriously, ants are usually going after the nectar. Late on weekend nights, you can hear them singing off-key after imbibing too much of the sweet stuff. It's not a problem unless they start eating through the flowers, or your maturing zukes takes on strange shapes. A Wheatland gardener reported zukes in the shape of Rush Limbaugh's head. If that happens, leave a bowl of cheap beer over by the petunias and that should lure the ants away.

Dear Mr. Wyoming Garden Answer Man:

Is it true that "watched tomatoes never ripen?" Or is that an old wive's tale?

--Green Tomatoes in Lander

Dear Green Tomatoes:

First of all, you are woefully out of step with the times. The expression "old wive's tale" is both sexist and ageist. I prefer "gracefully aging spousal unit's tale." or possibly "active female older adult who happens to be in a monogamous relationship with a person of the male gender's tale." But that's a mouthful. Let's move on to the expression "watched tomatoes never ripen." Who has time to watch tomatoes ripen, you old fart!

Dear WGAM:

My pole beans are growing like crazy. They have climbed up the 12-foot trellis on on to the roof. They've pried shingles off the roof and throw them at the birds. Some of the vines have invaded my TV cables and now all I can get is The Gardening Network and Lifetime. Help!

--Inundated in Jeffrey City

Dear Inundated:

You don't often see that sort of behavior in a legume. Perhaps it's the uranium in your soil, or maybe you have nurtured these beans overmuch, causing in them delusions of grandeur. Don't forget -- you're the boss. I suggest you dig up the plant and immediately consume the beans as an act of revenge and/or hunger. There have been cases of rampaging pole beans that have actually snatched the shovel from the offending human and smashed in his/her skull. These are rare cases. But, as you know, vegetables flourish amongst the rotting remains of flora and fauna.

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