Sunday, November 02, 2008

Vote Republican! Avoid Pelosi Syndrome!

During these final days of the 2008 election, Republicans are pushing ads that portray Wyoming as a reliably conservative state and one that distrusts East Coast Liberals. If you are a born and bred Wyomingite with conservative creds, you are good and trustworthy. If you were born somewhere else -- especially any East Coast state north of Virginia or (worse) California -- and you're a Democrat, you are bad, untrustworthy and probably a Socialist.

The latest Repub ads supporting Cynthia Lummis emphasize these crucial differences and encourage Wyomingites to vote for "real" conservatives whom also are "real Americans" too. A radio ad I heard today in breaks of the Denver Broncos game has some ersatz cowboy narrator (probably an actor!) with a folksy voice. He used all the buzzwords that are supposed to push the right buttons in Wyomingites: "East Coast Liberal" and "out-of-state money" and "unions" and "Nancy Pelosi." When I heard all this, I began to feel a bit sick. So I went to the doctor.

Doctor: Sorry, Mr. Shay, but I'm afraid you have a case of Pelosi Syndrome.

Me: Not Pelosi!

Dr.: I'm afraid so.

Me: What's the diagnosis, Doc? Give it to me straight!

Dr.: First it's the arms and legs, and then the torso. Last to go is the head.

Me: Tumors? Lesions? Cankers? Boils?

Dr.: Worse. Your body turns blue. Hordes of Wyoming Republicans see that you're a Democrat and they set upon you like a pack of ravening wolves. You don't stand a chance.

Me: I'll stay at home.

Dr.: They'll find you.

Me: I'll hide in the mountains.

Dr.: They'll find you no matter where you try to hide.

Me: I'm done for.

Dr.: True, unless....

Me: What, Doc? Give it to me straight!

Dr.: Well, you could fall into line and vote Republican. This is a conservative state, don't you know? It's futile to resist. Vote Lummis. Vote Enzi. Vote Barrasso. Vote McCain. Vote Palin.

Me: Is this my only hope?

Dr.: I'm afraid so.

Me: Any side effects?

Dr.: There's one. First it's the arms and legs. And then the torso. The last to go is the head.

Me: What do you mean, Doc? Give it to me straight!

Dr.: It's called Palinitis. Your body turns red.

Me: But I'll be O.K. as long as I stay in Wyoming?

Dr.: True, but next time you go to a blue state, those Democrats will come at you like a ravening pack of slightly miffed bunny rabbits.

Me: Doesn't sound dangerous.

Dr.: It's death by a thousand little nibbles.

Me: I'll stay home. Who needs blue states anyway? Who needs Colorado or New Mexico or California or New York or Pennsylvania or Massachusetts or Washington or Hawaii or Florida or Virginia or Maryland or North Carolina or....

Dr.: Exactly. If you stay in Wyoming and vote the Republican Party line, you'll live forever.

Me: And what a full life that will be!



Anonymous said...

Thanks, Mike, for lightening things up. I needed that! "A thousand little nibbles" - I love it!

victor said...

Its really great blog
i like this things

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