Tea Party Slim is hopping mad about Agenda 21.
"What is that?" I asked Slim as we sipped our coffee at the downtown Starbucks.
He shot me a look. "What rock have you been hiding under? It's been all over the blogs."
"Tea Party blogs, mostly."
"There's the problem," I said. "I don't read Tea Party blogs."
"You should. They bring enlightenment."
"So enlighten me." I sipped my double mocha caramel latte. "What's Agenda 21?"
Slim sipped his dark roast, took a deep breath and launched into his explanation. When Slim wrapped up his spiel thirty minutes later, I felt none the wiser.
"So the United Nations wants to take over our neighborhoods?"
Slim nodded. "Lock, stock and barrel."
"World domination, son. They won't rest until they have our homes, our pick-ups, our RVs, our guns, our women..."
"Our daughters too?"
"No, not yet, anyway."
"That's too bad," I said. "My wife and I would like to get the last kid out of the house. We need some peace and quiet. Do you think the U.N. could use a 19-year-old with orange spiky hair who plays bass in a band called The Ingrates?"
Slim stared at me.
He shook his head. "You're not taking this seriously. The U.N. has designs on our property. And they want to tell us how to build our homes, how wide our streets should be, even what kind of energy we can use."
"They don't need a bass player? My daughter's really good, as far as I can tell."
"Do you want the U.N. to tell you how to live?"
"Not really, but..."
"Do you want the U.N. to take away your car and tell you to ride the bus? Or demand that Cheyenne build a monorail?"
"I wouldn't mind getting rid of my car. It has 120,000 miles on it. I need new tires. And my driver's side window is stuck. Did you know that I have to roll down the window and open it from the outside? It's a damn nuisance." I sipped my latte. "And I wouldn't mind a monorail whisking me downtown to work."
Slim's irritation was beginning to show. "You're not taking this threat seriously."
"You're right, Slim. I don't see much of a threat. I don't see how the U.N. would spend its valuable time fretting about my six-year-old Ford Fusion or the amount of natural gas I burn in my 25-year-old furnace or the width of my suburban street."
He shook his head slowly.
"We can't even get the city to pave our street," I said. "Do you think that the U.N. might want to take that on?"
"You're hopeless," he said. "We're having a meeting on this very subject. It's on Saturday, Oct. 20, 5-8 p.m., at the Old Community House in Lions Park. Tea Party patriots from around the country will be protesting against Agenda 21 that day. We all know how dangerous this 'smart growth' nonsense could become. Other true blue conservatives will at the Cheyenne meeting. M. Lee Hasenauer for one. He's running on a patriotic platform for county commissioner. Taylor Haynes will be the emcee -- he's that Libertarian rancher who ran for governor. And so will Brad Harrington, editor of Liberty's Torch."
"That's one heck of a line-up, Slim. And it sounds tempting. But I'm getting my spine straightened that day."
"Didn't know that you had one." He smiled.
"A spine? Yes, I have one. It's been bent out of shape by all the right-wing fooferaw I've heard around here lately."
"Better get used to it."
"Never. All I can say is, 'Don't Tread on Me.' My spine couldn't stand the strain."